Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Backwards To Go Forwards

I'm back on Zoloft.

I tried to conquer my anxiety naturally but rather than get better it got worse. Add hot flushes and dizzy spells to an upset stomach and bam that's what I was trying to live with.

I lasted five outings, one we drove to but turned around before we got there as I was too sick, before I conceded and began the medication.

Cutting out caffeine, being on a low sugar diet and exercising daily disappointedly hasn't made a difference. I wanted to do it naturally but I can't live on the wrong side of the edge again, it's detrimental
to myself and my relationships.

Anxiety and me are strange. When I'm pregnant I don't get anxious. It's wonderful and I love it so much that I'd constantly be pregnant if it didn't have so many side effects like having a baby. Sesame turned two months old, I got my first period and BAM anxiety returned. The thought of leaving the house scared, and still does scare, me. I pushed through it, especially for training, but certain locations scare me. If I've been sick or anxious there before my anxiety now triples.

There are times I wish I hadn't gotten this haircut so I could still twirl. My trich always goes into full swing when I'm anxious. Ultimately I am glad I can't pull anymore and I love my haircut.

I don't want to be scared. I don't want to miss out on living. I don't want my children to miss out. It's not fair living with anxiety to anyone, especially my children.

I'm on day three of taking Zoloft again. It's horrible. My stomach hates me, my balance is off and my brain feels jumbled. I can't seem to focus on more than one thing at a time. I'm constantly tired and
exercising hurts. I feel like I've got a constant stitch just from sitting on the couch breathing.

I know it'll get better. I don't know how long it will take. I thought the only reason I was sick last time was because I was coming off Aropax giving me the Aropax Flu. Now I'm not so sure, maybe it was a
mixture of both medications.

I hope tomorrow I'll feel well enough to go for a skate or at least do a workout. I can't and won't let this impact my ambitions, motivation or dedication to getting fit and playing roller derby.

Anxiety has taken so much of my life I'm not going to allow it take anymore.


  1. Much love to you Hun.
    I'm so happy to hear and read your last few sentences. I hope you can continue to move forward and through this. X

  2. I need to come visit. We have a lot to discuss. Xx

  3. There is so much power in those last few words you wrote. Thinking of you as you begin this journey.

  4. So sorry to see you have to go there Ames, but it is great that you know when you have to bite the bullet. I wonder what research ere is into oestrogen and progesterone and anxiety.

  5. I'm sending you all my positive energy and big squishy hugs. It'll be OK. x x x

  6. Hoping today you feel much better! I suffer from panic attacks, and it was strange, only got one when I was pregnant and then not another one until my girl was nearly one (and I guess didn't need my entire focus). Every day is a new day, and I'm glad you don't want to feel scared anymore. All my love x

  7. Power to you Ames for seeing that you had a problem and being proactive in trying to control it. I'm kind of the same with my depression - not back on meds but knew what i was spiralling into and decided to start seeing a counsellor again so i can lessen the problems for Miss Jelly arrives. I'll stay strong if you will?

  8. Mine is back too, coupled with depression and I can hear myself in your worries. I went to the doc, got on these awful meds and got serotonin syndrome and had to go on bloody psychosis tranquilisers to fix the sydrome- really shitty. Went cold turkey, last 6 weeks med free and now I'm back on a new med, Aurorix. It's ok to be on meds, we wouldn't hear of a diabetic going without insulin or having a broken leg without a crutch, so why is treating this physical condition any different? Take care you and remember to be kind to yourself. x

  9. I hope the Zoloft kicks in soon, Ames. Anxiety is debilitating and with me it leads to depression. I'm on a combination of drugs to help with mine and will be starting a new one today to see if I can beat it. The only other thing that seems to work is walking and meditating. At the same time.

    Much love...

  10. Thinking of you babe. Anxiety is shit ... but it can be controlled. And you are strong. I'm around if ever you need some support. xo

  11. Good on you for being brave enough to take that step. It's tough when these feelings return, but you have such a great attitude to life, you will be ok :)

    Pregnancy is the same magical cure for me, I generally feel on top of the world. It's afterwards that I come crashing back to reality.

    Stay strong xx

  12. So sorry to hear - sending lots of love, hugs and positive energy !

  13. I hope things are starting to get better for you. You do what you need to for your health and the well being of you family. Take care.

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