Backwards To Go Forwards

I'm back on Zoloft.

I tried to conquer my anxiety naturally but rather than get better it got worse. Add hot flushes and dizzy spells to an upset stomach and bam that's what I was trying to live with.

I lasted five outings, one we drove to but turned around before we got there as I was too sick, before I conceded and began the medication.

Cutting out caffeine, being on a low sugar diet and exercising daily disappointedly hasn't made a difference. I wanted to do it naturally but I can't live on the wrong side of the edge again, it's detrimental
to myself and my relationships.

Anxiety and me are strange. When I'm pregnant I don't get anxious. It's wonderful and I love it so much that I'd constantly be pregnant if it didn't have so many side effects like having a baby. Sesame turned two months old, I got my first period and BAM anxiety returned. The thought of leaving the house scared, and still does scare, me. I pushed through it, especially for training, but certain locations scare me. If I've been sick or anxious there before my anxiety now triples.

There are times I wish I hadn't gotten this haircut so I could still twirl. My trich always goes into full swing when I'm anxious. Ultimately I am glad I can't pull anymore and I love my haircut.

I don't want to be scared. I don't want to miss out on living. I don't want my children to miss out. It's not fair living with anxiety to anyone, especially my children.

I'm on day three of taking Zoloft again. It's horrible. My stomach hates me, my balance is off and my brain feels jumbled. I can't seem to focus on more than one thing at a time. I'm constantly tired and
exercising hurts. I feel like I've got a constant stitch just from sitting on the couch breathing.

I know it'll get better. I don't know how long it will take. I thought the only reason I was sick last time was because I was coming off Aropax giving me the Aropax Flu. Now I'm not so sure, maybe it was a
mixture of both medications.

I hope tomorrow I'll feel well enough to go for a skate or at least do a workout. I can't and won't let this impact my ambitions, motivation or dedication to getting fit and playing roller derby.

Anxiety has taken so much of my life I'm not going to allow it take anymore.