My Favourite Photo Of Me.

Day 17: A favourite photo of yourself and why.

F1 March 2013.

I love this photo because it gives the middle finger to anxiety. I'm at Formula 1, having fun and photo bombing the mister's photo of Porches. I'm being myself. Free.

Gastro Anxiety

Last week I had gastro. It's doing the rounds and it's horrible. Worse than labour and that's all I'll say.

It did bring some unexpected side effects along for the journey. My anxiety went through the roof. I'm not sure if it was the tablets I took to help my stomach, the fact that it lasted longer than expected, not being able to keep zoloft down or that I was facing what causes my anxiety - not having any control over my bodily functions. Perhaps it was all the above factors. Regardless of the cause I still spent a few days in bed freaking the fuck out.

I almost cancelled flights I'd booked as I was sure I wouldn't be able to fly to and be in a new city all by myself.

I was sure I was giving up roller derby. Something I love and don't have any anxiety about was all of a sudden scaring the fuck out of me.

I convinced myself I was a bad mother, unfit to look after my babies. I questioned everything I did and was walking on eggshells. Eggshells I'd thrown thick across the metaphorical floor.

I was a mess. Thankfully I had amazing support that included the mister and my MIL. They helped more than I think they realise, looking after the children and myself. Helping with simple tasks and letting me recuperate.

A couple of days after the gastro visited I was fine. I didn't and don't think the above. Yes, I still have anxiety but it's managed to an extent. I hide away from certain social situations but I'm living. I wish I didn't have it at all, I don't think anyone with anxiety wishes it was in their life. It's horrible and I don't wish it on my worse enemy.

Vitamin D helps.

Backwards To Go Forwards

I'm back on Zoloft.

I tried to conquer my anxiety naturally but rather than get better it got worse. Add hot flushes and dizzy spells to an upset stomach and bam that's what I was trying to live with.

I lasted five outings, one we drove to but turned around before we got there as I was too sick, before I conceded and began the medication.

Cutting out caffeine, being on a low sugar diet and exercising daily disappointedly hasn't made a difference. I wanted to do it naturally but I can't live on the wrong side of the edge again, it's detrimental
to myself and my relationships.

Anxiety and me are strange. When I'm pregnant I don't get anxious. It's wonderful and I love it so much that I'd constantly be pregnant if it didn't have so many side effects like having a baby. Sesame turned two months old, I got my first period and BAM anxiety returned. The thought of leaving the house scared, and still does scare, me. I pushed through it, especially for training, but certain locations scare me. If I've been sick or anxious there before my anxiety now triples.

There are times I wish I hadn't gotten this haircut so I could still twirl. My trich always goes into full swing when I'm anxious. Ultimately I am glad I can't pull anymore and I love my haircut.

I don't want to be scared. I don't want to miss out on living. I don't want my children to miss out. It's not fair living with anxiety to anyone, especially my children.

I'm on day three of taking Zoloft again. It's horrible. My stomach hates me, my balance is off and my brain feels jumbled. I can't seem to focus on more than one thing at a time. I'm constantly tired and
exercising hurts. I feel like I've got a constant stitch just from sitting on the couch breathing.

I know it'll get better. I don't know how long it will take. I thought the only reason I was sick last time was because I was coming off Aropax giving me the Aropax Flu. Now I'm not so sure, maybe it was a
mixture of both medications.

I hope tomorrow I'll feel well enough to go for a skate or at least do a workout. I can't and won't let this impact my ambitions, motivation or dedication to getting fit and playing roller derby.

Anxiety has taken so much of my life I'm not going to allow it take anymore.

Simplify Your Life Week Twelve #syl12

Ok time to catch up on the Simplify Your Life challenge.  I apologise in advance for the bombardment of these posts as I catch up. I'm quite behind as I had a break from this during my blog break too.

Change. 

Oh how my life is changing right now. From not having the energy to get out of bed to exercising daily. From the house being a huge mess to being reasonably tidy. Just ignore the massive pile of clean washing waiting to be folded and put away. From being distant with lufflump's life and day to focusing and playing with him, being mindful.

Change can be so wonderful.

We had a horrible day on Tuesday. Lufflump was sick, not sleeping, vomiting and cranky all day. Sesame wouldn't sleep anywhere but in my arms and cried almost all day. I was home alone, this mister is working during the day this week rather than at night. I was supposed to go to an adult learn to skate lesson that night but after a day like that I was over everything. The mister came home, got handed the kids and I locked myself in the bathroom. I couldn't look at anything to do with Roller Derby, instead finished reading a book on the Kindle app. I was ready to give up.

I would have given up but the changes I've made so far are worth more than one bad day, one bad night.

Last night I sucked up every doubt I had and went to a Roller Derby Recreational League info night. I was so anxious going but I was also excited. Unfortunately my body is still learning that adrenaline isn't always a bad thing. The info night was fascinating and reaffirmed that this is one change I am very keen to make. In fact, I'm signed up to start very basic skating and roller derby training for six weeks starting this Sunday morning.

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I could have let my negative thoughts and feelings take over the passion I felt for roller derby and getting healthy. I probably would have before. I would have given up and moved onto something else and probably given that up to. I've changed. My thoughts have changed. It feels good.

I'm so glad life is moving on. The mister is happy with his fitness, riding around 15kms every day. Lufflump is communicating and talking so much more. Sesame is, well, a newborn. 

Life is good.

Sesame - Week Twenty

Wow what a busy week! 

The week started with name issues. We were always so sure with lufflump, we knew he was a boy right from the start and had his name chosen from the beginning. The mister and I have always had an agreement that he'd choose the boy's middle name and I'd choose the first name while I'd choose the girl's middle name and he'd choose the first name. Middle names came easily as lufflump's is the same as the mister's (and his mum's maiden name) and sesame's will be the same as mine (and my mum's). The first names were the trouble. Our favourite movie is Across the Universe, my favourite band is The Beatles and both lufflump and sesame's names reflect that although we plan on calling sesame by her first two initials. Honestly, I wanted to call her sesame as I can't imagine calling her anything else, but the mister was very quick to say no. It's less stressful having that all sorted now.

Tuesday afternoon I met Jane, the RBH maternity mental health nurse. The mister and I spoke beforehand about why I was so nervous going and what I expected. I was shitting myself thinking I'd be taken out of the birth centre care because of the Zoloft. I really had nothing to worry about and as soon as I saw her I knew that. Our first conversation was about zombies, dinosaurs and Terra Nova. Awesome! We spoke about hypnotherapy, psychologists, hopefully weaning off Zoloft and sibling rivalry. She really calmed my nerves about being on Zoloft, I'm no longer stressing about being on it especially after finding out that 50mgs is a lower than average dose. 

Conversation starter

I would recommend going to see her if you have a baby at the RBWH as she is very reassuring and calming. I'm definitely very glad I stepped out of my comfort zone, didn't listen to my anxieties and saw her. The support from Jane, my amazing GP, the Birth Centre midwives, my family and friends is just wonderful and I feel very fortunate.

Wednesday morning we had our first Birth Centre midwife appointment. I'm in the RBH Caseload so I only see three midwifes throughout my pregnancy and birth. The midwife, Nicole, we saw was brilliant. She was so nice, helpful, natural and funny. I'm considering doing a lotus birth and the mister is so not keen but we were given information about it to discuss. Lufflump was so good there too playing happily.

The Birth Centre is perfect for us, the rooms are huge and beautiful plus this time we are actually going to attend some antenatal classes like we should have last time. They also have a little library there which I plan to use to it's full advantage. We've decided on a water birth but who knows what will happen. As long as the birth produces a healthy baby then I'm happy.

My uterus is around my belly button

Communication and Mental Health

I have a secret. One that not many people know. It's not really my secret but more my family's secret. It's not really a secret either, it's just not brought up often. Here goes.

The mister has no interest AT ALL in mental health or psychology. It's not that he isn't supportive in my quest to study, advocate, pursue a career or speak out about my personal mental health problems. He's just not interested. He listens to my enthusiastic ravings but I can see his eyes glaze over. He tries, he really does. He'd much rather know how everything works, like a machine. He's into the mechanics of things, including the human body and brain, whereas that goes in one of my ears and out the other. We'd be awesome in exams, he'd do the physiological and I'd do the psychological.

The mister also has trouble believing that many mental illnesses exist. That's not to say he doesn't support me with mine but he doesn't understand it because he's just not interested. He doesn't stop me from speaking out, he reads what I write about mental health and is supportive in every way though.

I believe him being uninterested doesn't affect my mental health though nor his. We are open communicators and discuss our emotions, observations and perceptions about everything. We are comfortable in knowing that disagreeing with the other person doesn't make them or you stupid and doesn't mean you love each other any less. We value that we are different people and support each other no matter what. That means we can disagree in public but we debate rather than criticise, we discuss rather than argue and we don't put each other down.

I'm highly opinionated, always have been and always will. I've made and lost friends due to it. I've argued, bickered and stewed over topics with my family, friends, teachers and exes but never have I encountered the mature level of communication the mister and I share. I find it hard to say I'm wrong (I rarely am so I'm not used to it) but the mister has taught me that it's ok to admit you are wrong. It doesn't mean you are less of a person, in fact the opposite.

It's because of our communication and his support I am finding my voice again. I'm finding that I'm determined to help people and that I, one person without sufficient credentials, can help make a difference. 

So, I thank the mental illness skeptic in my life for supporting me in talking about my mental health and helping others talk about theirs. I know that if I didn't have his support though I could find support through expected mental health supporters like Lifeline, SANE, my online community - twitter, facebook, Digital Parents, blogs, friends or family. Support can also be found through doctors, teachers, co-workers, and mental health professionals such as mental health nurses, psychologists and psychiatrists.

Do you have an unexpected supporter in your life?

Anxiety, My Story. Part Two.

Anxiety, My Story. Part Two. can be found over at Mum's Lounge right now.

It's very personal and I would like to thank Jolene for featuring me on The Billboard with other amazing bloggers. Please go over and show some love.

Shutter Mouth and Arrogance

You know how you do something then freak out that maybe you shouldn't have? Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut? No? Well, lucky you because it's a shit, unnecessary feeling.

I'm feeling like I shouldn't have published my post yesterday. Not yet. What if something is or goes wrong? I haven't even been to the doctor yet. I know I'm pregnant, I know when we had sex, I know my last pregnancy was problem free BUT what if?

When I fell pregnant with munchkin I was not healthy. I was far from healthy. We were so unhealthy we thought no baby would be able to be conceived or survive with our lifestyle. I wasn't on SSRI's which can harm the baby in the first four weeks of conception like I was this time though. 

Thinking back to when I started on Aropax, not long ago actually, I was so arrogant. I was so naive. All I wanted was help, to be told you aren't imagining this. The first two weeks were hell, why did I not stop then? After that I was still getting sick, still getting anxious, still missing appointments. Why did I not stop then? I thought I knew better than the medication that I wanted so badly to work for me. 

Random photo of the boys sleeping to break up this tangent

I wanted Aropax to work. I listened to my doctor when he told me this was the best medication to use and it would work. It did. It worked mildly. After a couple of months I had the urge to up the dose. I didn't because I had read the dangers and because I didn't want to be addicted. Addicted to a drug that was supposed to help. A drug that should not have tolerance levels. A drug that should not have withdrawals. A drug that my doctor told me was not addictive as that was one of my main concerns. A drug that NEEDS higher regulation.

I didn't go back to that doctor when I changed my medication. There are many reasons; I needed a bulk billing doctor, I wanted a female doctor to do my pap smear, and I was scared he wouldn't let me change. I'm so glad I didn't go back. I think having anxiety about talking about my medication with that doctor helps show that Aropax wasn't right for me, wasn't working.

I made the easy transition to Zoloft but as I was on a smaller dose I did suffer some withdrawals like dizziness, lethargy, blurred vision, diarrhoea, headaches, anxiety, and the shakes. They weren't bad, more annoying. Since being on Zoloft, I feel happier, relaxed, more energetic, less anxious, and more in touch with my emotions. I'm already so much happier being on Zoloft plus it's ok for the baby.

Aropax is one reason why I'm worried. Worried not anxious. It's on the DO NOT USE list while pregnant, especially the first trimester. Now I've googled the risks of Zoloft while pregnant. Great. Fuck you google. 

So I'm worried that this baby will not be healthy. That something will be wrong. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and my fingers tied and not published my post last night. What if?!

Girly and (maybe) Zombie Tales

Warning; definitely a girly TMI pap smear post. Do not read if squeamish.  

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Today I bit the bullet. A big, uncomfortable, necessary bullet. I have to thank the amazing Glow for reminding me to do so with her post which made me angry on her behalf. 

I made the appointment at a new doctors. One that were lovely on the phone when I enquired and also bulk bills. Two very important traits with this family, the latter especially when it comes to my health. How everything changes after the child exits the womb. 

I haven't taken my medication in two days. It hasn't really stopped me from being anxious, I'm still getting sick before going out. Not all the time but most of the time. 

For example, today. Sick as a nervous cat whose drunk too much milk as well as eaten too much grass. All because I didn't know what to expect at the doctors. Regardless of the fact I've previously had a pap smear. Scared. Sick. 

What ifs going through my head. What if the pregnancy ruined my va jay jay? What if I fart in her face? What if it hurts? What if there's something visibly wrong? What if she's mean? What if I hate her? What if I get sick? What if the bed is uncomfy? What if the room is really cold? What if I see someone i don't want to? Yep, my what ifs are all over the place. 

What if my doctor was this guy?! (Brisbane Zombie Walk 2009)

The mister and munchkin dropped me off and I went inside. I had to fill out a new patient form which I did so while sitting on one of the five leather lounges in the waiting room. I shit you not, they were so comfy too. One doctors surgery that I wouldn't mind waiting for a couple of hours; nap time!!

After that I waited a whole two minutes where I was called to my appointment ON TIME by my lovely doctor. She asked if a medical student could sit in. I've pushed a baby out, I have no problem at all. Mind you, if she was a bitch of a doctor I'd probably care but she was amazing. 

I told her my concerns about Aropax and we discussed the pros and cons of other SSRI's before deciding TOGETHER on Zoloft. Holy shit. She was like a friend rather than a doctor. So kind, helpful and caring. I liked her glasses too. 

Then came the icky part. The pap smear. She did a full check including breasts which I've never had done before. Everything checked out fine. It was uncomfortable but definitely nothing like pushing a 3kg baby out. I actually think I'll have regular pap smears now. Please don't shoot me when I confess that that was my second pap smear when it should have been my fourth. It's bad I know. My experience today makes me think I'll have regular checks. I'm not saying I enjoyed the experience but it's not as bad as cancer, duh. 

I start my Zoloft tonight, half a tablet. My fingers are crossed that it'll be a lot better than the shakes and dizzy spells I'm having now on nothing. 

The Inside Out Project

Have you ever suffered from mental illness or known someone who has? 

I've made it no secret that I suffer from anxiety and trichotillomania. I don't believe in continuing any sort of stigma about mental health and illnesses. In saying that I do believe in respecting people's privacy. It is this reason that I document only my mental health.

There are many people who document their own mental health issues which is great in reducing stigma. One such person who I believe will make a huge difference is my good friend Jodie. 

Jodie is blogging over at her new, amazing blog The Inside Out Project. She has big plans for this blog and I'm very honoured to be involved.

Remember it is a new blog just finding it's feet, but I don't think it will be long till those feet are found.

If you want honest information about mental health issues please check out Jodie's work at The Inside Out Project. It is so worth it.

Serenity, Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom and Anxiety

I am not religious. I find religions interesting, like I do cults, but it's just not for me. The closest I've ever gotten and will ever get is Buddhism. To me, it's a lifestyle choice rather than religion. If you are into religion and it enriches your life then I'm happy for you and think you should continue your journey. I'm not here to judge, unless you are into scientology. Blame Tom Cruise.

Anyway, regardless of my non-religious quest in life I, like everyone else in this fine country, have encountered religion. I have taken some aspects of it, like 'love thy neighbour' and 'murder is bad', and incorporated them into my daily life. 

One I am trying to incorporate more is the Serenity Prayer.

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I first heard and muttered the Serenity Prayer at a detox where I did my TAFE work placement at. It didn't change my life instantly but I did fall in love with it.

I'm a control freak and have anxiety due to my control freakiness. This 'prayer' speaks to me and really I should have it tattooed to my inner eyelids so I can read it when I sleep. Maybe not. Ouch. Ok, I should have it repeated all night into headphones so I can hear it while I sleep. Yep, that sounds less painful, believable and workable.

The Serenity Prayer is;

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can 

And wisdom to know the difference.

I have wisdom. Yay! I thought the dentist removed that. Four times.

Ok, good start so far.

I think I have some courage. I have made some great changes in my life which have benefited not only me, but also my family. 

Ok, two out of three ain't bad.

Now, serenity and acceptance. Notice how I went backwards? That wasn't by accident or backwards thinking. It was to make me feel better and put off the obvious fact that I haven't yet achieved serenity or acceptance. How do I know? One word. One horrible, cruel, demeaning, unnecessary, powerful, debilitating, irrational word. ANXIETY.

I think I described anxiety pretty well right there. Here it is again anyway. To me anxiety is horrible, cruel, demeaning,  unnecessary, powerful, debilitating, and irrational.

It's not only all that to the sufferer but also to their family. That's why I couldn't continue suffering so much anymore.

It's no coincidence that munchkin really came out of his shell at daycare around the same time I began my medication. I am more relaxed, active, sociable, calm and involved than ever before. So is he.

I still have my bad days and I still get sick and worry sometimes. The difference is now I have the confidence to look myself in the mirror and believe when I say that I have nothing to worry about. 

Now, I believe myself when I think that those who judge me do so because of their emotions and perceptions rather than my actions and beliefs. 

Now, I believe that I am a good mother regardless of the amount of scrapes and bruises on my son because he got those living life, having fun, learning and being active.

Now, I believe that I'm a good person who deserves a good life with good people.

I still need to believe more but maybe serenity and acceptance isn't too far away.

*I mean no offence to religious people, scientologists (except Tom Cruise) or dentists.

For more about my anxiety go HERE.

Anxiety, My Story. Part One

If you have ever suffered from anxiety you not only should read this article from mamamia.com.au but also the comments. You are not alone and deserve living your life to it's full capacity which you can do with help. For where to go for help look at the end of this post (and future posts on this topic).



I had to comment on the post and did so as soon as I read it. Here is my comment;

Thank you mamamia for articles like this.

I have anxiety that severely impacted on my life to the point where I stopped leaving my house. I’ve always been an anxious person but after having my son it got worse. I would stay up at night having panic attacks about dying and wouldn’t go anywhere in case I got sick or someone judged me about my parenting (when I had pink hair this was rational as I was judged often).

I suffered from stomach migraines. I do get the racing heartbeat, sweating and the feeling of being faint though. The main thing is the instant stomach dropping. I then became anxious of being sick and constantly had to know where public toilets were if I needed one urgently.

Nothing helped; no matter what I told myself, no matter where we went, no matter how irrational I knew my anxiety was, I still felt anxious.

I stopped seeing friends, stopped going shopping, stopped going with my bf and son to the doctors or daycare – I stopped doing everything.

It finally got to the point where I decided I had lived with this long enough. I went to one doctor who told me I wasn’t anxious and just needed to change my diet; pretty much didn’t listen to me. I was hysterical and made my boyfriend take me to another doctor straight away. As soon as I told him my symptoms and worries he asked about medication.

I’m now on Aropax and it has changed my life dramatically. I take my son out for random trips (we sit on a bus till the last stop or go into the city to run around), take him to daycare twice a week and am socialising more than I have since I fell pregnant.

I’ve been told by many people that it is all in my mind and medication isn’t the way to go. Yes, it is all in the mind – it’s a chemical imbalance. Yes, medication isn’t always the right thing to do but as I have an obvious chemical imbalance it is right for me.

I feel the need to be more detailed here on my blog. I'll begin at what I've lived with the longest - Trichotillomania.


Since I've had hair (so from when I was a baby) I've suffered from trichotillomania (simply put; pulling hair out) or as I call it 'twirling'. Basically, if you've ever seen me playing with my hair then chances are I've been twirling - twisting my hair into little knots then pulling them out. 


I don't do it for pain, I don't feel anything when I pull and often don't realise I am pulling. To me, it's all about the knot of hair; the smaller, tighter, harder knots are way better than the big, loose, soft knots. I like the feeling of the knot between my fingers and can fiddle with them for hours.


I pull when I'm not using my hands, so that can be at any time of the day or night. Sometimes I'm aware I'm twirling and other times I'm not.


I haven't pulled since I last got my hair cut and coloured. I find if I'm totally satisfied with my hair I won't ruin it by pulling. It isn't easy. Since I recently began on medication for anxiety it has become harder to resist pulling. I've found myself twirling string, doll's hair, ribbon and even paper. If this medication wasn't so helpful in other aspects of my life, I would stop taking it as the urge to pull is so great.


To be honest (why stop now?), I think it's more a habit then anything. I've been told it's like being born with extra sensory needs. It makes sense. I can't watch a movie or TV without reading, eating or being on the internet, I can't read with my hands free (I read while holding a bookmark at the moment) and I can't eat while reading, watching TV or surfing the net. Is it any wonder why the mister thinks I have ADD?!


So this is one part of the insight to my mental health. It's not completely healthy but it's not completely ill. It's... interesting.


If you need to talk to anyone (they are there for a reason) please contact one or all of the following numbers and talk to your doctor (if you aren't satisfied, use your intuition and go elsewhere):

• Beyond Blue: www.beyondblue.org.au, Phone 1300 224 636, Email infoline@beyondblue.org.au
• Sane: www.sane.org, Phone 1800 187 263, Helpline Online http://www.sane.org/helpline/helpline-online
• Lifeline Australia: http://www.lifeline.org.au/, Phone 13 11 14 (24hrs)
• headspace: Youth 12-25yrs http://www.headspace.org.au/ 

Remember, your mental health affects your physical health.