Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Shutter Mouth and Arrogance

You know how you do something then freak out that maybe you shouldn't have? Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut? No? Well, lucky you because it's a shit, unnecessary feeling.

I'm feeling like I shouldn't have published my post yesterday. Not yet. What if something is or goes wrong? I haven't even been to the doctor yet. I know I'm pregnant, I know when we had sex, I know my last pregnancy was problem free BUT what if?

When I fell pregnant with munchkin I was not healthy. I was far from healthy. We were so unhealthy we thought no baby would be able to be conceived or survive with our lifestyle. I wasn't on SSRI's which can harm the baby in the first four weeks of conception like I was this time though. 

Thinking back to when I started on Aropax, not long ago actually, I was so arrogant. I was so naive. All I wanted was help, to be told you aren't imagining this. The first two weeks were hell, why did I not stop then? After that I was still getting sick, still getting anxious, still missing appointments. Why did I not stop then? I thought I knew better than the medication that I wanted so badly to work for me. 
Random photo of the boys sleeping to break up this tangent
I wanted Aropax to work. I listened to my doctor when he told me this was the best medication to use and it would work. It did. It worked mildly. After a couple of months I had the urge to up the dose. I didn't because I had read the dangers and because I didn't want to be addicted. Addicted to a drug that was supposed to help. A drug that should not have tolerance levels. A drug that should not have withdrawals. A drug that my doctor told me was not addictive as that was one of my main concerns. A drug that NEEDS higher regulation.

I didn't go back to that doctor when I changed my medication. There are many reasons; I needed a bulk billing doctor, I wanted a female doctor to do my pap smear, and I was scared he wouldn't let me change. I'm so glad I didn't go back. I think having anxiety about talking about my medication with that doctor helps show that Aropax wasn't right for me, wasn't working.

I made the easy transition to Zoloft but as I was on a smaller dose I did suffer some withdrawals like dizziness, lethargy, blurred vision, diarrhoea, headaches, anxiety, and the shakes. They weren't bad, more annoying. Since being on Zoloft, I feel happier, relaxed, more energetic, less anxious, and more in touch with my emotions. I'm already so much happier being on Zoloft plus it's ok for the baby.

Aropax is one reason why I'm worried. Worried not anxious. It's on the DO NOT USE list while pregnant, especially the first trimester. Now I've googled the risks of Zoloft while pregnant. Great. Fuck you google. 

So I'm worried that this baby will not be healthy. That something will be wrong. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and my fingers tied and not published my post last night. What if?!


  1. I hear ya - oh, boy, do I hear ya. I'm on Zoloft too and I am anxious about possible effects on this pregnancy. I'm also anxious beacuse my MIL filled my head with paranoia, but that's a different story! If it helps you feel better, make an appointment with your GP and have a chat. Get the facts, the confirmation and the affirmation you need. I am being positive for the both of us when I say that everything will be fine :) If you ever want to chat you can email me at

  2. See your doctor, talk through your concerns, get the peace of mind you need.
    There are no guarantees in pregnancy whether you're on medication or not, healthy or not.
    Stressing and worrying isn't good for baby either.

  3. Random comment about random photo - I love your bedding! Where'd you get it??

  4. Sadly, nothing is ever guaranteed with pregnancy. But worrying about the what ifs won't make them any less likely to happen, it just makes us more anxious.
    You're doing the best thing for you, that's not selfish, that allows you to be the best mum, best partner.

  5. I think all women worry about stuff like this. When I was pregnant with Miss H and didn't know it yet, I had some cells removed from my cervix,held my toddler son for an x-ray without an apron, was on high-strength medication which was not supposed to be taken by pregnant women, had a dental x-ray and dental work ... and she turned out fine. I was probably very lucky, but still ... my doctor told me then that babies are tougher than we think, both inside and outside of us! Anyway, good luck, hope it all goes well for you.

  6. Not that i'm pregnant, but i'm going in for some, shall we say " exploratory surgery " sometime in the next month or so and i also Googled my symptoms and what the doc told me they would be looking for. Dr Google is evil! All its done is filled my head with worry!
    Go see your actual doctor and talk it through - i'm sure all the shit floating around in your head is not even close to reality...

  7. I hate google because I wrote could blood test be wrong & it said it could, LIKE WTF.
    Relax & go to the dr, I was very healthy & fit before Bella & she still was born with abnormality.
    good luck. xxx

  8. I hope you sort it out and have a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby. I know it's hard but try to relax. Studies show that relaxed mothers make relaxed babies, something about the stress hormones being absorbed in the placenta.

  9. I have a doctors appointment on Monday. Unfortunately she only works Monday and Tuesday but I'm less stressed now.

  10. you know i am here for you anytime if you want to vent and yell or hug

    I love you and Im very proud of you x

  11. I don't think you were arrogant, I think you were excited. And if it doesn't work out, you have people here who will understand and support you.


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