The ninth challenge in the #Trust30 Challenge is inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote - 'The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them'.
Mary Jaksch poses the challenge - Emerson says: "Always do what you are afraid to do." What is 'too scary' to write about? Try doing it now.
I'm quite open about writing about most things others are not. I've written about problems with my mental health, drug issues, sexuality and other subjects which (for some reason) are taboo. There is something I haven't written about ever. I've only told the mister before and not the whole story.
I hate when people say I'm a good mum. I don't believe I am. I believe I'm a lazy mum who is fortunate to have a smart, affectionate, lovely child.
When I was pregnant I was adamant that munchkin would never watch TV. Guess what? He watches a lot of TV. Well not so much TV but movies. Too many.
I don't play enough with him. We've only painted once since we moved here. We weekly draw so that's a good thing. If we are lucky we read a book once a day.
It's so strange. I love books. He loves books. Why don't we read more often? Why am I so selfish?
I ask myself daily that question. Why am I so selfish?
Daily I feel guilty.
I'm not writing this for sympathy. I am writing this because I'm confused.
When we are outside we play like children. We pick flowers, talk about colours, count, point and wave at cars. Every time we leave the house we have fun and it's educational. So why not at home? Why when we do my mind wanders? Why can't I just have fun with him playing?
Am I just lazy or is it something more sinister?