Saturday, June 11, 2011

Afraid #Trust30

The ninth challenge in the #Trust30 Challenge is inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote - 'The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them'.

Mary Jaksch poses the challenge - Emerson says: "Always do what you are afraid to do." What is 'too scary' to write about? Try doing it now.

I'm quite open about writing about most things others are not. I've written about problems with my mental health, drug issues, sexuality and other subjects which (for some reason) are taboo. There is something I haven't written about ever. I've only told the mister before and not the whole story.

Here goes.

I hate when people say I'm a good mum. I don't believe I am. I believe I'm a lazy mum who is fortunate to have a smart, affectionate, lovely child. 

When I was pregnant I was adamant that munchkin would never watch TV. Guess what? He watches a lot of TV. Well not so much TV but movies. Too many.

I don't play enough with him. We've only painted once since we moved here. We weekly draw so that's a good thing. If we are lucky we read a book once a day.

It's so strange. I love books. He loves books. Why don't we read more often? Why am I so selfish?

I ask myself daily that question. Why am I so selfish?

Daily I feel guilty.

I'm not writing this for sympathy. I am writing this because I'm confused. 

When we are outside we play like children. We pick flowers, talk about colours, count, point and wave at cars. Every time we leave the house we have fun and it's educational. So why not at home? Why when we do my mind wanders? Why can't I just have fun with him playing?

Am I just lazy or is it something more sinister? 


  1. I could of written this post. I think it is completely normal for mums to feel this way- at least that is what others have told me.

    Someone once told me that if you feel guilty about letting your kids watch to much TV or for not playing with them enough (in your eyes) then it is okay because bad mums wouldn`t even feel guilty or bad about it.

    My older one watches too much dvds as well- to be honest I am kind of used to it now. I have two kids and no help during the week with the boys as hub comes home from work usually after 10pm. If I have to put a dvd on for some sanity I do it.

    Don`t beat yourself up too much- from what I have seen you are a fantastic mum!

  2. I feel the same way sometimes and i think its just the age - Munchkin is 2, my Flynn is almost 18 months.... i think we appreciate their inquisitiveness ( which is why being out and about appeals.... ) but they're at any age where their " sit and play " skills are quite developed enough to keep us interested for long.
    My Flynn is either going a million miles a minute, moving from one thing to another, and to try and keep up just does my head in; or he wants to sit and do the same thing over and over and over and over... and you get the point.
    I dont think it makes either of us bad mothers, it just makes us human. And intelligent humans at that. I think the effort we put into fostering our childrens intelligence and curiousity, and the fact that theyre both affectionate, well behaved little men, speaks more to our mothering skills than too much tv time does...

  3. That's everyone's feeling. You're not alone. My kid sits in front of the tv too esp when I need to work. I am just lucky she's so clever and sweet. But yeah, we all feel how you feel :)


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