Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Wowza


Two. A number I've heard plenty of the last few days. A number I better get used to. A nice, even number for us even people (although I'm sure we are odd too). Two. Four. Not one. Not three. Just numbers. Numbers that are comfortable. Numbers that are uncomfortable. 
Image
But they aren't just numbers. Not anymore. These numbers are representations. Tests. Lines. Children. Family members. They aren't numbers. 

My regular readers, who are not uncomfortable with girly issues, know I've just changed my medication. They may also know I've just had a pap smear. The urge to change and be checked out was thanks to Glowless and my subconscious. I changed my medication 'just in case'. Well, just in case had already happened. 

Five weeks. I didn't find out I was pregnant with munchkin until I was close to seven weeks. I noticed a change in my body almost two weeks ago. My ghetto booty has definitely expanded and my stomach is the size it was when I was sixteen weeks pregnant with munchkin. Where the fuck are my boobs though? They better make a come back and soon. 
Photo by Miss P
I didn't feel my first 'flutter' or what really felt like gas bubbles with munchkin until I was around eighteen weeks pregnant. I swear I'm feeling them currently as I type. 

Five weeks and number two is definitely making sure the attention is on him/her. Another attention whore. I already have one plus myself, of course. The poor mister will have three in his house. 

Just like munchkin, number two has come at an unexpected time. The mister is reapplying to the airforce for the third time. The first time I was pregnant and they used our circumstances to turn him down. The airforce is his dream. Thirty months ago he first applied and every major decision we have made has been to help reach his dream. We moved closer to the city and he just completed a six month pre-apprenticeship course, both so they wouldn't say no again. The big stress is now, will they use my pregnancy to say no again? A blow that would crush the mister, one that I don't think our family unit could deal with. 
Munchkin 5 minutes old
It's not only that though. Financially we could be in a better situation. I'm not working and the mister's work is on holidays for a month. A month of no money means he's looking for another job. He has one interview lined up already which is taking place tomorrow. A job he really wants. It's not the airforce but it's a good job in the meantime. I want to work but restrictions such as being pregnant and looking after a toddler make it hard to find something I can do. 

I can feel it creeping up every time I think negatively or worry. Guilt. I'm bathing in it. Guilt of the ease of falling pregnant twice. Guilt of not being ready twice. Guilt that there are wonderful, deserving couples out there who can't fall pregnant, at least not easily. Guilt that I can't be giving and adopt out. Guilt of being selfish. Guilt of being fortunate. Guilt of being guilty. 

At the end of the day we know we can do this. We know it's not a bad thing. Yes we worry but it's because we want the best for our family, we want stability. I'm excited. It's a new path in our fabulous journey! 
Family. Munchkin three days old

22 comments:

  1. Congratulations. That's beautiful news!!

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  2. OMG! Screw guilt, honey. Baby number 2! This is blessed, wonderful, beautiful news. Bathe in it. Bask in it. It's nothing BUT good. Congratulations!

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  3. that is worth the wait for this blog - well done x

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  4. Wow. Congratulations. Such exciting news!!

    And I get the process of thought you described. You have such empathy for others, I really don't think you would be you without those thoughts.

    But stop now, and like Melissa {above, not quoting myself here!} said bask. FREAKING BASK.

    Love. xox

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  5. Omg, omg, omg! I am sooooo happy for you! Wonderful news! A-M xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  6. Squeeeeee! Congratulations.

    Screw the guilt (though I understand what you're saying) and embrace the blessings :)

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  7. Look at you with long hair. How exciting!!

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  8. Congratulations.
    I had a feeling you were. Idk...just a feeling.
    Don't feel guilty. I know it's hard, I too cringe when people ask about our journey to conception. First time a mistake, second the first month of trying. You feel heavy hearted for those who so desperately want, and deserve it.
    Try not to tell the airforce? Hopefully that way The Mister can get accepted, worry about the rest later.

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  9. Aww Bless. Beautiful news...Congrats x

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  10. Wonderful news :) Congratulations!

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  11. So so so so happy for you sweetheart! For all of you!

    I don't think anyone is ever ready for this news, even when you want it so bad it's just the process you go through.
    Munchkin will be an amazing big brother :D

    x

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  12. Those are all most of the things i feel guilty about and i'm only planning for #2! But seriously, congratulations - thats beautiful news and i'm sure the Universe has gifted you with this pregnancy because it knows the timing is right, even if it doesnt seem like it right now....

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  13. I was just like u when I fell pregnant with number 2, full of worry and trepidation. It is a big change for everyone so a normal reaction. But you get to meet another completely unique little person & the wonderment crushes the anxiety. You'll love it! Oh and congrats!!

    Nicole x
    Http://www.myidealife.com.au

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  14. Oh Ames!!! I know exactly how you feel.

    When we fell pregnant, Rory was 9mnths old. I felt like the worst Mum alive, I felt guilty for feeling that way. I felt stupid for not being more careful. I felt guilty for not wanting something that so many people around me wanted so very badly, and even more guilty because I had been the one on the sidelines, waiting for my turn, upset that other people, less stable thne us, less well off than us, with too young (in my opinion) children to be going again. I used to hate those people and then I became one of them. Paul was applying to the army, we were heading towards selling our house. It all had to change.
    I felt Rory was too young, like she wouldn't be able to be a baby. I'm still very defensive when someone points out the age difference and any adverse effects that may have had on Roo.

    I lived in such a slump for about 5 weeks. And then I had a scan.

    And it was the twins. TWINS!! Surely it was meant to be, right?

    And so I pulled myself out of my slump. I had nothing to feel awful about anymore. Here were these babies and they were there, whether I liked it or not, so I just had to learn to like it. Look at them now!!

    It might not feel like it now, but the timing is actually PERFECT. You'll realise why soon enough. For now, just think about those flutters, love them and think about all the fun you and Munchkin (and the Mister) are going to have getting to know your bump!

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  15. congrats, enjoy every minute of it.

    x

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  16. Congratulations!! We can be belly buddies! LOL Enjoy it all, and I totally understand feeling guilty about different things. Good luck to your other half with the Airforce, and Í hope it all works out :) Regardless, you'll have this amazing little life to add to your family, and that's a fantastic thing!

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  17. Congratulations! I'm with everyone else - am sure it's meant to be. I doubt I would have ever had a baby if I'd been ready. I think they come when they come, ready or not. Hang on for the ride!

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  18. AHHHHHH, CONGRATULATIONS DARLING!

    As my Ma always tells me - If everybody waited to be financially secure before having babies then no one would have them!

    I am crossing finger, toes, eyes and legs for the Mr to get a job he loves and that helps keep you guys afloat xx

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  19. Thank you so much everyone. We are excited. Now I'm wishing I knew what gender the baby is so I can go shopping!!
    Thank you again!
    xxx

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Just like everyone else I LOVE comments and they make me SMILE. I'll reply as soon as I can, but please know that I appreciate and read EVERY single comment. Thanks xxx

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